Socializing

Restaurant, People, Eating, Socializing, Socialize

I’m thinking about what I should write right now. Recently, a few people read my blog and gave me so many good feedback that it made me want to write more. Naaaaah! The only people who are reading my blog are girls, and getting compliments and feedback from them make me feel satisfied and it’s a huge ego boost. So, writing more is like me fishing for compliments right now. But fuck it! The moment I start writing, I also feel a bit relieved. It’s my moment of exposing all the thought I’m keeping to myself because I don’t get to tell them to people.

 

Right now, I don’t get much of my daily social dose. The thing is that even if I’m lazy with my studies and my thesis, I don’t really feel like going out and meeting people (which is the logical thing to do when I don’t do anything). Probably because most of my friends here are med students, and they are either talking about exams and medical stuff that I don’t give a fuck about, or they don’t have time to go out. Therefore, instead of going out and looking for new friends, I just stay in my comfort zone and watch some tv shows instead.

 

My shyness and neurosis are playing a role in that, but I also feel too lazy for that. Sometimes, I wish that making friends was as simple as snapping my fingers. I wouldn’t have to go through all the pain of getting to know the person, pretending that I’m interested in them, call them up, go out with them, and try to stay awake while they talk about their football team and what car is new on the market etc. Just like on Facebook, I would go up to someone, ask him, “wanna be my friend?” and it’s a done deal. However, when meeting people, most of them are so boring with their monotonous tone and their boring filtered way of expressing themselves (e.g. “I like beer. I watched the football game. My team is the best. They scored 5 points. We have that player.”- fucking shopping list) that it doesn’t motivate me to talk to them, and not even try to make it interesting by leading the conversation to the deeper levels.

 

Speaking of which, I met a guy a few weeks ago. He’s so social and cool. I like him. I like when we hangout because we are on the same page, we have awesome conversations, and most importantly, he makes me want to go out because I know it won’t be a boring night. And we have so many laughs. I just love it! And even if we don’t talk for a while, if I call him up to go out, he’s either going to tell me yes, or reschedule. THIS is how I want people to be in life. I want the lazy way of making friend. I don’t always want to be the adult in the situation- the one who knows best and needs to carry the burden of the conversation for everyone else. I want people to bring something to the table. Like making a big feast with friends: if I’m the only one cooking, then it’s just exhausting. On the other hand, if everyone makes something, then everyone is taking care of the other’s tummy, and it’s not one for all and all for no one.

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Dunkirk

dunkirk

I went to the cinema on Tuesday with a friend. We watched Dunkirk. At the end of the movie, my friend asked me what I think about the movie, and I was pretty undecided. Moreover, I needed more time to process it and get my thought together so that I can make coherent sentences and express it properly.

On the one hand, the positive side, I liked a lot of little things in the movie. The first thing is the director, Christopher Nolan: I read, a few weeks ago, about how he hates CGI and he how would rather pay a lot of money in the making of a scene. For example, in Batman: The dark night, he built a whole building (the hospital) so that the joker can blow it up with real explosives. I like it when people do something in their life like their job, helping people, or just a hobby and go the extra mile in order to make it perfect. They are standing out just because of that, and that’s what I appreciate about those people. When someone does something lazily, and just for the sake of saying he did it or completed a task, I don’t really want to benefit from or waste my time on it. For example, I’m a dancer and when I see someone dancing as well, I can immediately say whether he does some complex steps he just memorized to show off, or whether he put the time and effort into practicing in order to make the most out of the dance. The only difference is you see how one enjoys it and the other is just looking for attention.

The movie was full of bombings, shootings, etc., but it looked so realistic I’m sure some of it was done with CGI, but probably when there was no other choice. This is how I want every director to make a movie- by putting me first. Trying to make it the best way he can so I can enjoy it. There’s no better feeling than the one you feel when someone does something for YOU.

The second thing I liked about Dunkirk is the casting. Great actors! Actors I like seeing other movies just because they look so genuine when they act. If you go to the movie to learn something from the dialogues, don’t go. It’s a waste of time. There are very little dialogues, and they are very poor in term of content. However, I could immediately see what was going on in one’s head by looking at his facial expression. So many genuine feelings that I couldn’t focus on anything else. At one point I took out my phone for 5 second and regretted it thinking that I might have missed something important. I was completely tuned in, feeling everything the characters were feeling. Especially since most of the movie was in a stressful mood. People dying left and write, German planes bombing and killing people by hundreds.

The music producer was fantastic. I love Hans Zimmer. He’s always on point with his soundtracks. You need to feel stressed, happy, sad, mad, no problem! He’s your guy. And he made such an amazing job making me feel worried about what is going to happen. Nolan and Zimmer team up a lot, and every time they do, they have an amazing baby together.  The movie started with a few guys walking down a deserted street, 30 seconds in the movie and you hear shots from everywhere, a disturbing and tensed melody and BOOM! You’re in a permanent state of stress for the rest of the movie.

It was the same feeling as having a conversation with someone and being completely in as if nothing else mattered more than what we are talking about. The kind of conversation you have and you don’t even give a shit about your ringing phone or your girlfriend sexting you.

I think the last thing I liked about the movie was that it was like a documentary about history, but didn’t feel like it. I’ve always been repelled by history because my teacher in school was shitty. He would spend the whole lecture listing some facts like I am listing a shopping list to my sister. The worst thing is that no one cared about those facts, and the teacher didn’t care about us as his audience. As a consequence we didn’t care about what he had to say so he was just rambling and we were doing everything not to fall asleep: draw, throw things at the teacher, fight, play on our phones etc. However, in that movie, I was feeling like I was learning something and I was entertained by it. I even wanted to go back home and start reading about it. I liked that feeling of being interested by something I would usually be bored about. It was like a wake-up call letting me know that everything can be entertaining as long as the person sharing the knowledge does his part of the job.

One last thing, I promise! The timeline was messing around with my head. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but the movie was filmed through three different timelines tying everything up at the end so that it all makes sense. I felt like I was watching a Tarantino movie.

On the other hand, the movie was a bit useless. First, it’s also a downside, there were not enough dialogues. It wasn’t personal but actually too vague. I didn’t care about any of those characters dying. For example, there was this guy not talking throughout the whole movie up until the end when someone wanted to kill him and then he said 3 words. I didn’t care about him dying or not seeing him anymore. He was expendable. I didn’t root for anyone in that movie and that’s exactly what I don’t want to see in a movie. I want to be able to relate to people, to the hero, to a guy writing a love letter to his girlfriend or a regular letter to his mom, passing it to his friend and telling him that if he doesn’t make it out alive, than he should make sure those letter would get into the right hands. Moreover, the movie never spent more than one minute on someone without moving to the next character in another scene. It might come back to the previous one, but you never see too much from the eyes of one person. And that’s upsetting because I wanted to project myself in that scene feel sorry for him; feel upset for the injustice. I wanted to be stressed not because of all the scene and the soundtrack but because I would be concerned about what happen to that character because I grew fond of him.

The second thing is that the movie had no hero. You could see some people coming back to the screen like the marine capt. The officer, etc., but never one person who’s THE ONE we would care about the most and however the movie ends, we will have to know what happened to that one person or look up for theories on fans’ websites (e.g. fight club). There was this guy who would be more than anyone else on the screen, but I didn’t really mind at the end of the movie if he survived or not, but rather whether the German won and killed everyone on Dunkirk. It might be the purpose of the movie, but I don’t care about that. I can read it in a book or in Wikipedia so why spend 2 hours in a movie I can just read the summary of what happened there in a few lines and go on with my day?!

The last downside was the timeline. I liked the idea a lot. But it was poorly done. I was confused half of the time, and if my friend weren’t there, I wouldn’t notice that we just saw the same scene from another viewpoint. When the director does something so elaborated, I want him to remind me of it. Tell me, “Look! This is what I did there. Don’t forget about it because it’s gonna be crucial and it’ll all make sense later, but in the meanwhile, keep in mind that this is how I want you to watch the movie.” I wanted the director to give me his own thoughts about how and why he made that movie. I didn’t want to be left out. I wanted to notice the change and have a reminder. The movie was full of information that I couldn’t remember every single details if he wouldn’t remind me of the important things.

The conclusion is, I have no Idea how I should feel about that movie. I might want to watch it again to be sure I dis/like it. But for now, it’s still confusing to me. I want to either like a movie or hate it so that I can add it to my “must re-watch” list or forget about it forever. So many shitty movies nowadays that if I want to enjoy a movie it would either be an amazing movie, or one I already watched.

Paris- the city of abstinence

abstinence

Can someone explain to me what’s fucking wrong with woman nowadays? I’ve spent three nights in Paris on the way back home. Thought it’ll be easy to find girls on tinder. The kinds of girls who want to have some fun going out for a drink, or just a nice walk around the neighborhood, talk and get to know each other, come back home to cook together, and then fuck like little bunnies all night. No headaches, no complications, nothing.

On my profile I’m stating exactly what I want, and usually get positive feedback. Not only I barely matched with girls, but all of them except for one were either a spam profile, or just not responding. Now look, I don’t think I look like Brad Pitt, but I’m definitely comfortable with how I look, I can get a nice conversation going when I’m motivated to do so, and I get positive reactions most of the time, so that’s definitely not an issue of that sort. The only girl that replied to me seemed to like talking to me with the first exchanges, but as soon as I proposed my sweet ass plan (see above), she unmatched me. And that’s a fucking sex app! Thought Paris would be the blast because there are more people then where I live, but I meet more girls where I live than in Paris. WTF is wrong with women nowadays?!

The problem might be with the fact that sex is still taboo. I noticed it the last few months. There’s always that fucktard who would tell me “we need to know each other better before we do  X ,Y, Z (and it’s not always sexual activities).” You dumb ass, if I want to spend time with you, it’s precisely to get to know you more- sexually and non-sexually! I watch an Israeli comedian’s stand up (Shahar Hasson) the other day. He said, “what’s with girls wanting to know us better?” then he got into the girl’s doggy position pretending he’s being fucked and said “oooooh yes! Your dad is john. Hmmm! Your mom has pimples on her nose. YEEEEES! Your sister is a lesbian. Etc.” That was hilarious and absurd!

Look, a one night stand might be nice when you’re really horny and you want to empty your balls, but I’m more into getting to know the girl first, have a connection and then have sex. However, I don’t need to talk to her for months to get to know her. I don’t need to exchange some dry information to feel comfortable enough to have sex with her. All I need is simply talk about what we like and dislike, have some laughter, see that I like being around that girl. Apparently, most of the girls aren’t like that. They look for the quantity of information rather than the quality.

Some would say, I’m not a slut. Well, here’s what a slut is: a woman sleeping around to get attention. That’s it. You have sex just because you enjoy it; you’re a smart woman embracing her desires. You fuck a guy just because you want to flatter your ego and feel like you’re being liked, you’re a slut!

A boy meets a girl, they feel comfortable being around each other, make some jokes, no filter, no bullshit, they end up having sex. What’s wrong with that scenario?! Apparently everything if I listen to most of the girls nowadays. Add to that that some girls are so fucking delusional that they want to feel like the guy really cares about them, hold on tight, by getting flowers, chocolates, getting the guy to cook for her, etc.. How the hell did they become so fucking selfish, just demanding and not giving back?! What would she do with chocolates, flowers and all that bullshit?! The fact that I’m investing time in you by talking to you is enough. And if I feel like doing more than that (e.g. cooking for you) so be it, but it shouldn’t be a criterion to whether I’m into you and whether I deserve to have sex with you.

The most retarded thing yet is the hypocrisy of feminism wanting equality, while they only want to benefit from inequality. They have some shitty standards (e.g. paying on the first date, offer them gifts, give them flowers on the date, etc.), but it’s only to serve them. So if they want equality how about paying for your fucking share in the restaurant, or at least give me a freaking amazing blowjob?! Because if you expect me to do something for you, you’d better be ready to meet my expectations as well!

I’m getting off track a bit. Long story short, when I see nowadays that having sex with a girl is a fucking mission, it makes me frustrated. What happened to those spontaneous girls? Be open minded. Go out, have fun, and if you enjoyed it… wash rinse and repeat. Why do you have to complain about guys lying to you pretending they are in love so they can get into your panties, but when you have someone who’s straightforward with what he wants you see it as the worst thing… the devil.

Turning their back to sex, is like giving your back to your favorite meal. You know you enjoy it, you know you’ll get a mouthgasm, but you just ignore it. And for what? Exactly… no logical reason. Just because. We are both attracted to each other, but one of us has to act like a nun and repress her urges/feelings/desires.

Stress

stress

 

Last Sunday and Monday was pretty stressful to me. I had an issue with my professor and it was crucial to my studies. I had to hand in a report, but I “cheated.” It was a little lie, but since my professor’s a bitch I thought she’s going to blew it out of proportion and make a whole story out of it. The little lie was that she told us to do a diagnostic on three aspects for the same person, and I used two people.

Long story short, I was stressed. I couldn’t sleep at night. I usually have a shitty sleep, but those nights I was in bed for 4 hours and I was basically awake almost the whole night. My heart was beating fast as if I did some cardio for an hour, I was sweating, I was heaving some shitty thoughts about all the worst case scenarios. It made me think about why do I need this fucking stress?! What is it good for?!

I watched “Lucky number slevin” the other day. The main character gets mistaken for someone else by two mobs. They tell him he owes them money and if he doesn’t pay back in 3 days, he will get killed. A girl asked him why he isn’t stressed or scared and he said “I have ataraxia.” It’s a state of calmness and he basically never feels those kinds of shitty emotions like fear or stress. I was so jealous of this guy. I was telling myself how my life would have looked so differently with ataraxia. I wouldn’t have to worry about exams, on the contrary, it would have been so much easier to study for them calmly; wouldn’t be stressed to perform in front of a big audience (dancing, talking, giving class, etc.); Wouldn’t be scared to confront people when they piss me off; I would be able to accomplish so many things more efficiently.

So back to my stress, I was feeling pretty helpless that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was sitting there trying to talk myself out of it. Rationalize with some pretty smart thoughts, but nothing helped. For example I was telling myself “look, the worst case scenario is that she’ll give you a shitty grade. It sucks but it’s better than being kicked out of school, which can happen if she decides to fuck me over” (I was comparing myself to my classmate that lied about everything and was in a shittier place than I was, but got a C). And then, as if I didn’t tell myself anything, I would still feel the same way. Not even breathing techniques helped. The only thing that helped me was the fact that I faced the issue and went to meet the teacher. As soon as I started talking to her, I was feeling differently: I was ready for war- prove myself to be the good guy who had slipped just once after being a straight A student during the whole year.

It made me think of all those suggestions motivational speakers give: breathing, smiling, watching a comedy, this is bullshit! Nothing helped me. Besides taking the bull by the horn and dealing with it, whatever I did was just useless and a waste of time. However, in the meanwhile, the whole time waiting for dealing with the problem (e.g. waiting for the meeting that will determine whether I’m fucked or not is painful because during that time, there was nothing I could do), I just had to sit around and accept it. I don’t know how to deal with it and how to get over it. It’s still a mystery to me, but at least I got to know that all those “feel good” messages youtube and facebook are flooded with are just a pile of shit. Nothing would ever make you feel good besides growing a pair, facing your problem and finding the solution.

Birthdays

Child Cute Baby Childhood Sweet Cake Infant

I hate birthdays- mine or others’. Growing up, my family did organize my birthdays for me, every year. They even made some surprise parties; but I’ve never really enjoyed it that much. Since it’s expected from one’s family to celebrate it for him, I lost interest in it really quickly. It’s always fun and put a smile to my face when my family do something for me, but I’d rather have my friends do something for me. In other words, I’d rather have a friend go out of his way than my parents who are just doing it because it’s the obvious thing to do.

Whenever my birthday is coming up, or when I take part in someone’s birthday party, I get sad and envious. I tell myself that other people are so lucky to have such good friends that want to throw a party for them. I’ve tried for a few years to throw parties for my birthday thinking that I’ll make something so crazy that people would want to hang out with me after that. The only problem is that I’ve never had any creative idea besides going to a coffee shop, restaurant, BBQ in the nature, or go clubbing. Therefore, I’ve always shot myself in the foot: whenever I would think of something, I would tell myself that this or that Idea isn’t good and therefore I don’t want to celebrate. Truth is, I do something for my birthday and people do everything to make me happy, I don’t even care if we are locked in a basement starving to death.

I always want to show people how badass I am and therefore not celebrating my birthday is not an issue. I’d tell people how I don’t mind about some silly days to gather up with my friends. So what if I was born today? Why should I celebrate something like that?! It’s just another random day with no real significance. Hence, I don’t celebrate it because I don’t give a shit. Well, it’s wrong! I want to celebrate it, I want people to organize it for me and show me how they care about me.

A few years ago, my cousin and one of my best friends wanted to do something for me. Although it was a last minute thing and they waited till we meet on due date to ask me what I want to do, I was happy that they wanted to please me. We spent the next 30 minutes standing in the street and thinking about something. I didn’t find anything that would make me happy- oh yeah! I became a demanding bitch over the years- we ended up in a new pizzeria- just the three of us. I had fun that night, but still woke up the next morning thinking to myself that my social life sucks.

I want people to throw a party for me. I want a friend to call me up and tell me, “Drop everything you’re doing! No excuses! No questions asked! Be downstairs in 30 minutes, we are going to celebrate your birthday with [name], [name], [name], [name], and [name]” or better yet, “Could you come help me build that new Ikea closet” and once I get there, 30 people jumps on me yelling “Surprise!” But since it had never happened, I just lost any hope of it ever happening to me.

I was at my friend’s birthday party last week. We were 20 people. As soon as we surprised him, you could see how happy he was. His face was lit up, he was smiling, he was surprised, and I could see how he was happy. The next day he sent me a thank you message. See, that’s the feeling I want to have. That’s the reaction I want to have. I couldn’t help myself but be really jealous, that his friends, which are my good friends too (both of us are probably their best friends here), didn’t do anything for me. And that is a hell of a deception.

This year, I moved to another country. I started building my social circle from scratch and I really thought that it’s going to be different: my birthday would be great, people would call me up and invite me to everything they do (I.e. dinner, parties, movie night, pizza party etc.), look forward to spend time with me, and so on. While almost everything in that list is happening, my birthday party was non-existent. That was a big punch to my face. That’s the moment I realized that my friends here are superficial.

I’m a pussy

sparring

I was watching an episode of the TV show “Iron Fist” earlier today. At one point there was this scene with a woman training and kicking some bags. The way those scenes are filmed, makes me feel like I want to do it too. That’s what a good movie does- motivates me to do something. When I see a sparring scene with the sweat, the adrenaline, the speed, the impact of the blows, and how they look exhausted afterward, but all refreshed after a good shower, I want to be in the same situation. However, I can’t pinpoint the exact reason for that.

On the one hand I’m telling myself that it’s a feeling of being alive finally. As I go through life following a routine (e.g. go to school, grocery shopping, watch a movie, go out, sleep, wash rinse and repeat), I don’t feel any excitement. So doing something that pumps me up and makes my heart beat faster, definitely makes me aware of myself and my body. It’s like discovering that I have a new limb. On the other hand, I have that rage and frustration I want to let out. Going through life being shut down by people when I had an idea of some activity we can do together, not being heard when I speak because other people are louder motherfuckers, being cut off often while I speak, etc. And now that I’m retaking control of my (social) life, and that I’m taking less and less bullshit from people, I just want to get rid of it. I want to punch and kick a bag as if I was trying to tear a hole in it, destroy a tennis ball with my racket, vandalize something useless like a rusty cars from the 20’s whatever works as a catharsis.

Another reason is that I’m pretty scared to get into a fight. I’ve never really fought. I used to learn Capoeira when I was a kid for a whole year, then some Kung Fu for two years and a half, but never sparred or fought with someone to the point it really hurts or I faced an injury. That’s why I broke my middle finger when I was a kid. Another kid kicked me and I did nothing about it. Moreover, I cried when I got pushed to the wall by another kid in another occasion, and nowadays it’s still on my mind that I might end up crying because I’m ashamed of getting my ass whooped or because I’m not used to be really hurt.

I’m not really confident about my ability to fight and protect myself that my default reaction to some confrontations or potential fights is to do everything to avoid it. I would avoid a situation in which people are aggressive around me. I would take my distance from two people fighting because if it gets close to me, and I get hit by accident, I wouldn’t know how to react: break the person face or apologize for being there. Hell I don’t even know if I’d be able to fight with someone and “win” it. That’s what scares me the most: people seem to be fighting all the time, and therefore I feel like they are more experienced than I am. Would I be able to dodge a punch? Stand up on my feet after a kick? Would I be able not to cry in front of everyone if I get hurt? Or just be able to at least punch the person once?

Whenever I recognize a potential aggressive situation, I’m scared. My body is immediately overwhelmed with the flight reaction, a rush of Adrenalin, sweats, shaking etc.  I think that it might go south and I wouldn’t know how to deal with it- even when someone talks to me with an aggressive tone or get closer to me with a threatening look on his face. All the worst scenarios are rushing through my mind: I’m going to end up in the hospital for a few weeks and miss a lot (I.e. school, parties, tennis training etc.), I might break my arm and not be able to use it to play tennis, I’d have a broken leg and won’t be able to dance, I’d have scars that will make me look ugly, etc. I get neurotic and then I do everything to avoid it. Not because I know better, but because I’m a pussy.

A few weeks ago, I was dancing in a club, and this bugging drunk guy was dancing like a crushing helicopter- no balance, his head was balancing left and right, he was taking way too much space on the dance floor bumping into people. At one point, I was pissed off because he bumped into me a few times and I couldn’t enjoy myself dancing normally without being pushed. Guess what I did… Nothing! I was too scared to confront him, push him, or whatever appropriate reaction. The guy was annoying as fuck, I had my friends to back me up, but I was too scared of what might happen.

Someone told me a quote by Bruce Lee, and I don’t remember it properly but the main idea is, “Always avoid a fight. Best self-defense technique is escaping.” That reflects me a lot. But the main difference between people like Bruce Lee and myself is that my incentive to run away is fright and not because it might get ugly for the other person. However, I don’t want to take martial art classes because I don’t want to go through the pain of getting my ass kicked, be injured, or simply paying for that. I have other priorities for now as a broke student. So while I don’t like feeling helpless in those kinds of situations, I’ve been living like this for my whole life so a few more years like this with some avoidance strategies I’ve developed are still bearable.

I’m a selfish asshole

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I was just talking with a caregiver and it made me think about myself and how I would never be able to do this kinds of jobs. At least not with my current mindset.

Whenever I see some disabled person (e.g. blind, cripple, etc.), I always feel sad for them. It makes me think that some people weren’t lucky in life and I would be probably depressed to be in their position. I tend to think about how they can live this way: how hard it must be for them to find a wife/husband, to have relationships with assholes like me that don’t want to bother, grocery shopping, go through life and perform tasks that look so easy for me, as a healthy person. I truly feel a brief moment of sadness when I see a handicap person, but it’s really brief as I can move on with my life one minute later not thinking about it anymore.

I remember helping a blind woman a while back ago. I was walking down the street, she wanted to cross the street, and I felt so sad for her that I decided to help her. I asked her where she needed to go and luckily it was close by and I had nothing to do. I crossed our arms and I walked with her. I was also clumsy that she bumped into a car’s door and at one point she said she was looking for a specific building, and I naturally said “Oh. There it is. I see it.” I felt ashamed for not being sensitive to her. However, when I left her, I felt so satisfied for helping a disabled person out. It made me feel like a good and worthy person. I liked it.

So when that girl told me she was a caregiver, I immediately told myself, “wow! She’s a great person: generous and pretty brave. She’s definitely a person I could look up to.” I can’t see myself doing it because I’m pretty selfish. On the one hand I tell myself that I have nothing to offer them. I can’t help them because I either don’t know how, or because I don’t want to put the effort into it because it’s too hard. It’s probably harder to cheer them up if they feel down. For example, if you want to cheer me up, you take me out to dance, play some music, reserve a tennis court for us, or just take me to the beach. However, I can’t think of something like that for disabled people: blind people can’t watch a movie, play tennis etc.; crippled people can’t play tennis, they can’t dance, they can’t access most of beaches; deaf people can’t listen to music. It sucks for them, but I don’t know how to help them.

It’s easy to say, “Well, you can learn it.” You know what?! I am too selfish to put effort into it. While I’m feeling sorry for them, I also think that I also have things to take care of in my life and I don’t want to spend time with someone that is going be very complicated for me.

Here’s the thing, my life is a mess right now (I.e. I have a hard time following a schedule; I’m struggling to build my own social circle… real friendships- not just some acquaintances I go out with when I’m bored; finish my degree and start working; take care of my shitty sleep; etc.), and taking care of it is already a burden. So taking care of someone else’s life that is shittier than mine feels like too much work. I get it that I come across as an asshole, and honestly I don’t like having that mindset. I shouldn’t be discriminating people I’m going to have a relationship with based on some physical disabilities, but I do and I don’t like it.

I really need a good incentive to go out of my way and help someone (i.e. disabled people or people in need of help like poor or old people). Money and good time are usually good incentives. I was tutoring a blind girl with her school work two years ago. I made friend with her flatmate who was blind too, and since both of them were opened with their disability, I felt so relaxed to spend time with them. So we would watch TV because they would feel comfortable to just listen, they would talk openly about their disability history, and I wouldn’t have to be self-conscious about how I look like or I sit/stand. That’s how it should be. I don’t like it when I have to walk on eggshells around people and not to talk about the problem, or restrict myself when I want to ask a question or talk about some topics that might hurt their feelings (e.g. talk about art when I’m with a blind person). I always feel neurotic that I might come off as the bad guy for not being sensitive so I alienate them instead of treating them as normal people and have fun. Anyways, I needed money as a student, and that was the perfect deal: get payed to spend time with people I’m enjoying with. I could get off my way and spare 4 hours a week.

Bottom line, I’m a self-serving asshole, and I really need to change that ASAP.

A schedule=freedom… Wait what?!

interstellar

I’ve finally finished writing my schedule. More accurately, I’ve finally got to doing it. I was so lazy to do it because I told myself that as soon as I do, I’ll have to be accountable to it. For the past few months, my phone would notify me about something I have on my schedule, but I would just dismiss it because it’s not relevant to me. It was relevant for last semester. This semester is different and all I have to do is just ignore my schedule and do whatever I want.

The thing is that I’m not even being productive with my time: an episode here, Facebook browsing there, a tinder swiping session, etc. I would’ve been happy if my time was used to learn a new skill like bouldering, practice my dancing, go out and meet new people, and stud for school, but I’m not doing anything of the sort. I’m just sticking to the routine. I’m going to class, going to some quiz, giving a dance class and that’s it.

I’ve stopped following my schedule 2 years ago. I used to have it for 3 years straight. My life was so fucking productive. Even thought it was mostly studying for school, I would go to sleep feeling like I got closer to my goal of having my degree and finishing as the best student of my year. And when I actually did, I was so happy. Felt so satisfied that I set a goal to myself and could attain it. Made me feel like I’m a detective in a movie tracking a serial killers for years, and finally get him to justice! Such a rewarding feeling.

As I was building my schedule, I felt like I’m in the Interstellar movie. I was feeling like I was reorganizing my time by blocks, as if it was a simple matrix that I could take one activity move it to somewhere else and done! My life is going to take a new direction, a new “timeline.”

The best thing about following a schedule is that I started value my time more. Firstly, my time was so important to me. I cared about it, and made people know it. If I would’ve made plan with someone, and he would be late, I would let him know that my time isn’t something you can screw around with when I’m dedicating time for him instead of doing something else. The thing is that if I have something scheduled like studying, working out, etc., and I’d rather meet my friends because I haven’t seen them in a long time or because they need me, it would piss me off if my time wasn’t spent properly (I.e. being bored), so it would motivate me to take the lead and make it better by leading the conversation and by thinking about something fun to do.

Secondly, It would keep me accountable and self-disciplined in other areas in my life. For example, I haven’t fapped nor watched porn for 6 months. Well, actually I don’t have schedule right now, but I since I’m self-disciplined enough, I managed not to fap or watch porn for a year and 8 months. I feel so accomplished by doing so. I shouldn’t do it myself. It’s not healthy not functional. It’s like eating an ice cream instead eating a proper meal. While It might meet my need for food, it’s not how I should eat. What every person needs to meet his sexual needs is a partner. Someone they can have sex with on a daily basis. Now, since I can’t have it, I’ll get into the specific in another post, then I won’t fap till I find a girl that will help me with it.

Lastly, And that might be the best feeling about having a schedule, My days get longer and I feel like I can do so much more for the same amount of time. 30 seconds become 5 minutes, and I get things done. One the one hand is because I have the time limitation, then I’m working more efficiently, and on the other, I don’t waste my time on some bullshit around the activity: if know that I have a 10 minutes break during a studying session, then I’m not going to stall and open Facebook. I’d rather do something I like (e.g. talk to a friend, draw, create some music, etc.). Therefore, I’m more efficient, and I don’t have the feeling that I’m running out of time. I can write a post in 20 minutes when I’m focused, as opposed to 2 hours when I’m all over the place.

Well, this post was a wake-up call and a reminder of why I like having a schedule. Hopefully I’ll use it every time I feel like I have no motivation to follow my schedule. It’ll be like my motivation speech. Instead of watching some motivational speaker videos on youtube, I’ll read this, and get back on track.

My class depression

 

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I just got to class. Sitting here, I’m wondering, why the hell did I get out of bed this morning to come to class?! I don’t like sleeping or spending time in bed, but thinking about class today made me want to stay in bed and be a lazy ass. Today is the first day of class after Easter, a whole week of complete freedom to do whatever I want to do with no constraint of having to go to school, do some homework, etc.

Classes are pretty boring here. Professors are mumbling and monotonous fucks, their English is not good and the cadence of their speech (for most of them) reminds me of an m16 on a semi-automatic mode: three bullets at a time, stop, wash rinse and repeat. This is so bothering. I’m starting to listen to them, they put me to sleep within 10 seconds, so I tune out and start working on my laptop, but even then, it feels like there’s a bugging fly, and I can’t focus on my laptop. That’s so annoying. I’d rather be in a class in which the professor is either not disturbing me from doing what I want on my laptop, or is entertaining and make me want to listen. But in no way I want to feel like I have to go to class because if I don’t, there are going to be only 6 people in class (we are 7) and I’ll get a shittier presence grade.

The professor in class just made a joke and was being nice to me, and I like it. However, it’s not enough to make me care about the lecture. It’s like being locked up in some prison in which the guards torture the prisoners but give them 3 meals a day. That’s just not enough.

I have 5 classes a week and every professor is shitty in his own way: one is just so quiet that I have to put extra effort into listening to her. It makes me lazy and not caring about whatever comes out of her mouth; one is monotonous, put me to sleep, but sometimes his voice is louder and it makes me think that something is going to happen but then I get disappointed that I got scammed; one is just so bad in English that she’s filling the gaps of when she’s looking for some words by a “hhhmmm, eeeehhhh hhmmmmm”; one is so lovely but has no authority whatsoever so sometimes it’s embarrassing when she asks us whether it’s ok if we start class or talk about a certain topic; and the last one is just a broken m16 on a semi-automatic mode and makes it so difficult to follow her, and the craziest thing is that she doesn’t practice what she preaches (i.e. Topics in educational psychology and how to be a good teacher).

What pisses me off about the academic world is that professors don’t have to learn and be tested on how to teach. All they have to do is to publish some articles every year. This is embarrassing as fuck! Imagine you need an electrician for some work at your place, and you get a guy who calls himself a professional because he simply switches on and off the light in a room twice a week. If you want to earn money for something you do in life, you should be a professional in the field. I’m not saying that you should be the best in the whole world, but at least know the topic upside down, and how to apply it. However, thinking about it, even my teachers in high school, the ones who have a teaching degree, were also shitty. That’s why I hate math and history so much. The teachers were giving me all the reasons to skip class. My math teacher was just locking the door, explaining a topic for 20 minutes and letting us do whatever we wanted afterward but we couldn’t ask questions on the topic. The history teacher was only barking some facts and dates that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. Both of them made me feel like I’m wasting my time and becoming dumber the more I stayed in their classes. I wanted to go to school because I could use that knowledge in the future, not just because I wanted to be the cool guy in school. I was never popular in school so I gave up on that idea a long time ago.

I just recall a class from a few weeks ago. We talked about, “what makes someone a good teacher?” since we were divided into groups, and everyone needed to participate, I made sure everyone took part in the exercise and some of their ideas were delusional, but here’s how a teacher should be: I want my teachers to be unfiltered. I want them to be able to express an idea with the thoughts and emotions they attach to it. If they like it, I want to hear it. If they don’t, I want to feel it; I want my teachers to have authority and keep people in check when they are stepping out of the line. I’m in an international class, so people often speak their own language in front of the lecturer who can’t understand and no one ever tell them to shut up and speak English; I want to care about the topic and have fun learning it, even if it’s a useless topic, because the teacher makes me involved in the lecture- asking questions, making some jokes, having an interactive conversation about it, a nice discussion, etc.

I want to go to class because I feel like if I won’t I’ll miss a lot. I’m not talking about a lot of information that I’ll have to complete on my own free time, but rather miss something meaningful as if I was skipping an episode of the greatest TV show on earth!

One week break = A headache

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The fact that I haven’t written any post in a week makes me confused. I don’t even know what specific topic I want to talk about: the fact that I’m becoming more and more neurotic in my college city, the fact that I do have enough balls to tell everyone that feminism sucks, the fact that I am sick of having sex with the same girls because I’m too much of a coward to talk to new girls, etc.

Man, I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now trying to prove themselves worthy of being written in this post, that it gives me a headache. It’s like all of them are in class full of Hermione Grangers, the teacher (me), asks a question, and they are all fighting to give the right answer. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not posting regularly. Therefore, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone by writing a decent entry because I want you to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been improving a lot.

I’m tired of being so neurotic. I’m always trying to fix my body language, as if there was no right way to do it. When I’m walking around college, around the street; when I’m standing there talking to someone from my class; when I eat in front of others, etc.  It’s driving me nuts because the more I’m trying to be aware of it, the more I “think” that something is wrong with it. It makes me feel like a little lost puppy desperately wandering around the desert looking for a shelter from the sand storm.

I’m also really anxious about saying HEY to people that I had met a few weeks ago because I never know whether they are going to recognize me or not. I’m afraid of people’s reactions, and therefore, I do nothing. I just think that sitting there with my arms crossed will help me to get better at social interaction. It’s stupid and I’m aware of it, but it seems like I can’t get over it. It’s as if I was a fatty trying to get rid of her eating habits: just one more cookie, just a little gummy bear, just a little ice cream, etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s retarded, but it looks like I’m determined to hinder my improvement.

“You can’t practice social interaction in your mind”- Plum. I can’t, but it feels better when I do it than going through the painful process. Thinking of what I can do in a given situation is like a safety blanket: I don’t have to go through torturing reactions. The only thing I need to do is just sit back and relax while picturing it in my mind. Then I have some proof that it works so that I can comfort my delusions that I’m on the right path. For example, There was a study with basketball players: two groups. One which didn’t practice at all and one which didn’t physically practice, but practices in their minds. The latter had a better score when they played.

The ironic thing is that whenever I talk about my neurosis, I feel like I want to finally kick myself in the ass and start making some changes in my life. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m full of motivation today, but tomorrow I’ll wake up in the same body with the same brain. The euphoria that I’m feeling right now, is just a temporary feeling. I can already see myself waking up tomorrow morning and …. Oh wait … Hell no! In 30 minutes, this boosting feeling I have right now, is going to disappear as if it had never been there. Just like that- POOOF!

I’m writing this post while sitting in the library, and I don’t even display my emotions. It’s like everything was existing within my own mind. The exterior world is just an illusion. I’ve been trained for so long not to display my emotions: growing up I had learnt to hide my reactions to things because I didn’t want others to see my emotions; whenever I was excited or happy about something, you could hear it in my voice. I had a hard time speaking normally, my pitch would go so high that I had to stop, take a deep breath, and continue talking. At first, I was hiding it because people were looking at me as if I was a weirdo, but then, when I had seen movies in which the main character was so “mysterious,” and having a poker face; I wanted to do the same. I thought that I would be such a cool guy. It was a huge incentive for me to reinforce my dysfunctional behavior. I wish that I could display my emotions easily. Not because I want to have some attention from people in the library right now, but because I want to be able to show the world how I feel and what is it to be me! I want people to be drawn to me because they are curious to see the world through my eyes. This is actually how social interaction work. The more you’re open with your thoughts and feelings, the more people can get a glimpse to your person, the more they would want to experience it, and let you experience the same thing with them.