Why do I like TV shows so much?! There was a period in my life were my social skills were almost inexistent that I used to watch around 3 movies a day and be a lazy fuck. But then I realized nothing good is gonna come out of it, plus I wasn’t even enjoying those movies. I was watching random shit just to say I did something with my day. Ask me what I watched, and I would have my mouth open looking at you and making a “huuuuuuh” sound. So I stopped. I would occasionally watch something that people recommended to me, and the rest of my day was free. Although I didn’t do much more, but it was still better than being in a debilitating state.
So why do I like so much now? What has changed? Well, my social life is mostly boring. I can get out whenever I want, I can call up people and schedule a pizza party, dinner, etc. but there are very few people I can enjoy my time with. Few as in I can count them on my finger. People are boring to me. I don’t do my share part in the relationship to make it fun for the both of us. I just used them as a dose to calm my urges like an addict who take a dose just, so he won’t feel painful to be in his shitty life. The way I see it, which is the wrong way, it’s either I stay alone and go crazy, or get to see people and get what I can from those poor interaction. Even a minor reward, just like a hobo begging for just a penny. And then I’m cutting myself some slack for a few hours, a few days, until I tell myself that I have to start this painful process again.
I should be digging for those social interactions because I’m enjoying. I should be looking forward to meeting with people. new people, old friends, everyone. As long as I come in contact with them and I’m making this pleasant for us. Taking care of my side of the relationship as long as helping them meet my needs for companionship. The problem is that I’m either too lazy for that, of I don’t know what to do. There are sometimes I clearly know what to do, and I even tell myself what I should do, but I don’t. I’m not motivated.
However, more often than not, I don’t know what to do. I have a friend, yes, a friend I know I can count on, that he has such a loud voice, and he’s most of the focused on one thing that you can’t get his attention, or if you’re already talking to him and ask him a question, he would ignore you, not on purpose, just because he didn’t pay attention. I like this guy. We’ve been through some things together that we have a connection, but I have no fucking Idea what to do with him. I tried correcting his behaviors, but nothing changes. I can’t express myself properly around him, giving him a full though, because I’m scared he’ll take his focus on something else halfway through. That’s frustrating!
Anyways, all those little things, combined with me being boring from my “social” life, I feel nothing. No excitement, no happiness, sadness, or anything else. I do feel frustrated and pissed, but I hate it. It’s tedious. It takes so much energy out of me, like a prostitute trying to make a dildo cum! However, when I watch TV shows that I like, I feel something. I’m moved. Sometimes I shed a tear, sometimes I feel happy for the main character I grew fond off, as if it was a real event, I feel motivated to help someone out, etc. I feel all those things I should be feeling in real life with my relationships, and this is how I pick my favorite shows, yet I don’t so I turn to the “best” (read: laziest/easiest/most coward) option I have, which is just in the reach of my hand, I grab it, and hold on to it.
I actually used to feel filter my emotion and monitor myself so much and for so long, that at one point I was sure I wasn’t feeling anything. As if I was just a piece of furniture. I would watch 7 pounds by Will Smith, and think, “oh well, another movie watched. Nothing special.” Now, it’s another story. 7 pounds got me all emotional like a 7 year old girl. I loved it. The Green Mile made me shed a tear. So tell me, why the fuck should I put so much effort into socializing while I could settle for the easiest and shittiest way and watch another episode of whatever show I’m following nowadays?! Because I’m a fucktard!