Just about two weeks ago, I was laying down in bed with a sweet and sexy girl. I’ll call her Terry. We were just having a conversation at that time. Terry is the kind of girls I like talking to: every conversation makes my brain’s cogs working, and sometimes i still think about a certain conversation for a few days- just like a good psychological movie. We were talking about unconditional love, misery, etc. and it made so much sense that I had to write it down. See, those ideas were basically a friend’s who I was talking to, but at that time they didn’t make much sense that I could live by it. It was an interesting idea, inspiring at best, but nothing that changed my beliefs. Then I told that to Terry, and I got mind blown by how much it resonated with me and how I internalized it.
Ready?!… let’s go.
Unconditional love is the foolish believe that I’ll love someone no matter what he/she does- altruism. It doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion; a notion created to make people feel good about themselves. It helps them explain something they can’t. Here’s the thing about relationships (friendship, romance, family etc.), it isn’t created out of the blue. It’s a sequence of actions that will end up in a connection you got with a person. “Social interaction is an interruption” this is what my friend used to tell me. And social interactions are meant to end up in relationships. A person wants to go to X direction, and you interrupt him and tell him which way you want him to go that’ll privilege the relationship. If someone does things I like, things that serve the relationship, I’ll end up loving that person. Picture this, you’re walking down the street, and someone is punching you in the face, would you love him/her? What if it was the most attractive person in the world? Same thing- you’ll hate the person’s guts. The more pleasure I get from a person the more I love that person. I don’t magically fall in love. I do because the person in front of me is worth it. And how do I know he’s worth it? If he/she gives me the incentive to care about him/her. A pleasant experience, based on what I expect from the person (else, it wouldn’t be pleasant), will automatically end up in caring for and loving that person.
Terry asked me, “then why do people still stick around when their lovers cheated on them?” it’s simple. People are in love with the idea of their lovers. What their lovers can be, or what they want them to be. They’re not in love with the person itself, but rather with what they think they can get out of them that they can’t get from other people. They are merciful. For us to love someone even after he did something horrible, we have to have mercy. Mercy is patience towards fuck ups. This is what will make you accept a person despite something he did in the past. Let’s say there’s a serial killer, he gets out of jail, I’ll have to be merciful to want and talk to that guy or even get in the same room. I’d be scared. But if I stick around, and then show him the direction I want him to go, I’ll end up caring for that person. But when you keep being merciful and don’t give the direction, you’ll end up being miserable.
However, love starts with mercy by default, because not everyone will do what I want them to do right away. It takes time and patience to “forgive” the fuck ups. For example, if I’m talking to a girl and she’s acting a bit retarded and doesn’t give me a full sentence but rather half a sentence at a time, I’ll have to show “mercy” (i.e. be patient) to that and actually give her the better direction. Therefore, mercy is the first step to get to a loving state. Love is conditional!