I’m about to have an exam now, and all I can think of is, “I’ve got to get the best grade. I’ve got to show my classmates how clever I am and how dumb they are compared to me.” Same thing happens when I dance; I’ve been dancing for the past 2 years and a half. When I dance with a girl, instead of enjoying the present moment with her, instead of being focused on her, I focus on everyone else. I try to see if there are no hotter girls around, if other guys are dancing better than I am, whether other girls enjoy dancing with other dudes, whether some people are staring at us, etc. I can’t stop comparing myself to others and then do my best to show off so that other people will notice me.
One girl wanted to me to be her dancing partner and asked me what to expect. I told her that we’re not going to do competitions because I’m against it, although I secretly want to compete. I want to be famous. I want to get the free ad, travel the world, and teach thousands of people. I do that because I want to get validation. I want people to worship me. I want them to look up to me and ask for my opinion on various subjects.
I’ve been lacking approval my whole life. My dad had never told me “I’m proud of you, son.” I’ve never had friends I’d influence. On the contrary, I was the one being influenced: I would buy the same clothes as my “friends”, I’d speak/walk the same way as them, make the same jokes etc. It always made me feel dumb deep inside. Although, I loved getting the attention from people because of it, I knew it was all fake, and one day or another, I’d be caught pretending and lying. I’m not even confronting people because I’m scared to have someone hating me. I feel like I’m not enough loved so having one less potential supporting person is like tell off someone who’s bringing me a pile of money on a golden platter.
Competitive attitude is bullshit. Every time I had it, which is 99.99% of the time, it would make everything go wrong: in relationships with people- I’d be concurring for the coolest friend position; in school, I’d be seen as the pretentious asshole; etc. My competitive mindset is just driving people away because instead of building relationships with them, i’m just focused on myself and as a consequence, I end up building a relationship with me myself and I while burning bridges with others.
I like pretending I’m my ideal self. I want to believe that I’m not competitive; I want to believe that I’m socially competent; I want to believe in so many things that makes me perfect in the eyes of other people. This is why you can hear me say thing like, “I hate competitions,” “I always confront people when they irritate me,” “I always keep bitches in check,” but I’m nothing close to those standards I set to myself. However, when someone confronts me and tell me I’m competitive, I would get mad and try to convince him I’m not. When we will talk about girls, I’ll always be the one giving advice. It makes me feel valuable. But then when I’m in a situation in which I need to prove my worth, well… I’m just another neurotic fuck!