stress

 

Last Sunday and Monday was pretty stressful to me. I had an issue with my professor and it was crucial to my studies. I had to hand in a report, but I “cheated.” It was a little lie, but since my professor’s a bitch I thought she’s going to blew it out of proportion and make a whole story out of it. The little lie was that she told us to do a diagnostic on three aspects for the same person, and I used two people.

Long story short, I was stressed. I couldn’t sleep at night. I usually have a shitty sleep, but those nights I was in bed for 4 hours and I was basically awake almost the whole night. My heart was beating fast as if I did some cardio for an hour, I was sweating, I was heaving some shitty thoughts about all the worst case scenarios. It made me think about why do I need this fucking stress?! What is it good for?!

I watched “Lucky number slevin” the other day. The main character gets mistaken for someone else by two mobs. They tell him he owes them money and if he doesn’t pay back in 3 days, he will get killed. A girl asked him why he isn’t stressed or scared and he said “I have ataraxia.” It’s a state of calmness and he basically never feels those kinds of shitty emotions like fear or stress. I was so jealous of this guy. I was telling myself how my life would have looked so differently with ataraxia. I wouldn’t have to worry about exams, on the contrary, it would have been so much easier to study for them calmly; wouldn’t be stressed to perform in front of a big audience (dancing, talking, giving class, etc.); Wouldn’t be scared to confront people when they piss me off; I would be able to accomplish so many things more efficiently.

So back to my stress, I was feeling pretty helpless that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was sitting there trying to talk myself out of it. Rationalize with some pretty smart thoughts, but nothing helped. For example I was telling myself “look, the worst case scenario is that she’ll give you a shitty grade. It sucks but it’s better than being kicked out of school, which can happen if she decides to fuck me over” (I was comparing myself to my classmate that lied about everything and was in a shittier place than I was, but got a C). And then, as if I didn’t tell myself anything, I would still feel the same way. Not even breathing techniques helped. The only thing that helped me was the fact that I faced the issue and went to meet the teacher. As soon as I started talking to her, I was feeling differently: I was ready for war- prove myself to be the good guy who had slipped just once after being a straight A student during the whole year.

It made me think of all those suggestions motivational speakers give: breathing, smiling, watching a comedy, this is bullshit! Nothing helped me. Besides taking the bull by the horn and dealing with it, whatever I did was just useless and a waste of time. However, in the meanwhile, the whole time waiting for dealing with the problem (e.g. waiting for the meeting that will determine whether I’m fucked or not is painful because during that time, there was nothing I could do), I just had to sit around and accept it. I don’t know how to deal with it and how to get over it. It’s still a mystery to me, but at least I got to know that all those “feel good” messages youtube and facebook are flooded with are just a pile of shit. Nothing would ever make you feel good besides growing a pair, facing your problem and finding the solution.

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