I’m so competitive

i'm competitive
I’m about to have an exam now, and all I can think of is, “I’ve got to get the best grade. I’ve got to show my classmates how clever I am and how dumb they are compared to me.” Same thing happens when I dance; I’ve been dancing for the past 2 years and a half. When I dance with a girl, instead of enjoying the present moment with her, instead of being focused on her, I focus on everyone else. I try to see if there are no hotter girls around, if other guys are dancing better than I am, whether other girls enjoy dancing with other dudes, whether some people are staring at us, etc. I can’t stop comparing myself to others and then do my best to show off so that other people will notice me.
One girl wanted to me to be her dancing partner and asked me what to expect. I told her that we’re not going to do competitions because I’m against it, although I secretly want to compete. I want to be famous. I want to get the free ad, travel the world, and teach thousands of people. I do that because I want to get validation. I want people to worship me. I want them to look up to me and ask for my opinion on various subjects.
I’ve been lacking approval my whole life. My dad had never told me “I’m proud of you, son.” I’ve never had friends I’d influence. On the contrary, I was the one being influenced: I would buy the same clothes as my “friends”, I’d speak/walk the same way as them, make the same jokes etc. It always made me feel dumb deep inside. Although, I loved getting the attention from people because of it, I knew it was all fake, and one day or another, I’d be caught pretending and lying. I’m not even confronting people because I’m scared to have someone hating me. I feel like I’m not enough loved so having one less potential supporting person is like tell off someone who’s bringing me a pile of money on a golden platter.
Competitive attitude is bullshit. Every time I had it, which is 99.99% of the time, it would make everything go wrong: in relationships with people- I’d be concurring for the coolest friend position; in school, I’d be seen as the pretentious asshole; etc. My competitive mindset is just driving people away because instead of building relationships with them, i’m just focused on myself and as a consequence, I end up building a relationship with me myself and I while burning bridges with others.
I like pretending I’m my ideal self. I want to believe that I’m not competitive; I want to believe that I’m socially competent; I want to believe in so many things that makes me perfect in the eyes of other people. This is why you can hear me say thing like, “I hate competitions,” “I always confront people when they irritate me,” “I always keep bitches in check,” but I’m nothing close to those standards I set to myself. However, when someone confronts me and tell me I’m competitive, I would get mad and try to convince him I’m not. When we will talk about girls, I’ll always be the one giving advice. It makes me feel valuable. But then when I’m in a situation in which I need to prove my worth, well… I’m just another neurotic fuck!

Unconditional love is horseshit

unconditional love

Just about two weeks ago, I was laying down in bed with a sweet and sexy girl. I’ll call her Terry. We were just having a conversation at that time. Terry is the kind of girls I like talking to: every conversation makes my brain’s cogs working, and sometimes i still think about a certain conversation for a few days- just like a good psychological movie. We were talking about unconditional love, misery, etc. and it made so much sense that I had to write it down. See, those ideas were basically a friend’s who I was talking to, but at that time they didn’t make much sense that I could live by it. It was an interesting idea, inspiring at best, but nothing that changed my beliefs. Then I told that to Terry, and I got mind blown by how much it resonated with me and how I internalized it.

Ready?!… let’s go.

Unconditional love is the foolish believe that I’ll love someone no matter what he/she does- altruism. It doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion; a notion created to make people feel good about themselves. It helps them explain something they can’t. Here’s the thing about relationships (friendship, romance, family etc.), it isn’t created out of the blue. It’s a sequence of actions that will end up in a connection you got with a person. “Social interaction is an interruption” this is what my friend used to tell me. And social interactions are meant to end up in relationships.  A person wants to go to X direction, and you interrupt him and tell him which way you want him to go that’ll privilege the relationship. If someone does things I like, things that serve the relationship, I’ll end up loving that person. Picture this, you’re walking down the street, and someone is punching you in the face, would you love him/her? What if it was the most attractive person in the world? Same thing- you’ll hate the person’s guts. The more pleasure I get from a person the more I love that person. I don’t magically fall in love. I do because the person in front of me is worth it. And how do I know he’s worth it? If he/she gives me the incentive to care about him/her. A pleasant experience, based on what I expect from the person (else, it wouldn’t be pleasant), will automatically end up in caring for and loving that person.

Terry asked me, “then why do people still stick around when their lovers cheated on them?” it’s simple. People are in love with the idea of their lovers. What their lovers can be, or what they want them to be. They’re not in love with the person itself, but rather with what they think they can get out of them that they can’t get from other people. They are merciful. For us to love someone even after he did something horrible, we have to have mercy. Mercy is patience towards fuck ups. This is what will make you accept a person despite something he did in the past. Let’s say there’s a serial killer, he gets out of jail, I’ll have to be merciful to want and talk to that guy or even get in the same room. I’d be scared. But if I stick around, and then show him the direction I want him to go, I’ll end up caring for that person. But when you keep being merciful and don’t give the direction, you’ll end up being miserable.

However, love starts with mercy by default, because not everyone will do what I want them to do right away. It takes time and patience to “forgive” the fuck ups. For example, if I’m talking to a girl and she’s acting a bit retarded and doesn’t give me a full sentence but rather half a sentence at a time, I’ll have to show “mercy” (i.e. be patient) to that and actually give her the better direction. Therefore, mercy is the first step to get to a loving state. Love is conditional!