One week break = A headache


The fact that I haven’t written any post in a week makes me confused. I don’t even know what specific topic I want to talk about: the fact that I’m becoming more and more neurotic in my college city, the fact that I do have enough balls to tell everyone that feminism sucks, the fact that I am sick of having sex with the same girls because I’m too much of a coward to talk to new girls, etc.

Man, I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now trying to prove themselves worthy of being written in this post, that it gives me a headache. It’s like all of them are in class full of Hermione Grangers, the teacher (me), asks a question, and they are all fighting to give the right answer. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not posting regularly. Therefore, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone by writing a decent entry because I want you to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been improving a lot.

I’m tired of being so neurotic. I’m always trying to fix my body language, as if there was no right way to do it. When I’m walking around college, around the street; when I’m standing there talking to someone from my class; when I eat in front of others, etc.  It’s driving me nuts because the more I’m trying to be aware of it, the more I “think” that something is wrong with it. It makes me feel like a little lost puppy desperately wandering around the desert looking for a shelter from the sand storm.

I’m also really anxious about saying HEY to people that I had met a few weeks ago because I never know whether they are going to recognize me or not. I’m afraid of people’s reactions, and therefore, I do nothing. I just think that sitting there with my arms crossed will help me to get better at social interaction. It’s stupid and I’m aware of it, but it seems like I can’t get over it. It’s as if I was a fatty trying to get rid of her eating habits: just one more cookie, just a little gummy bear, just a little ice cream, etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s retarded, but it looks like I’m determined to hinder my improvement.

“You can’t practice social interaction in your mind”- Plum. I can’t, but it feels better when I do it than going through the painful process. Thinking of what I can do in a given situation is like a safety blanket: I don’t have to go through torturing reactions. The only thing I need to do is just sit back and relax while picturing it in my mind. Then I have some proof that it works so that I can comfort my delusions that I’m on the right path. For example, There was a study with basketball players: two groups. One which didn’t practice at all and one which didn’t physically practice, but practices in their minds. The latter had a better score when they played.

The ironic thing is that whenever I talk about my neurosis, I feel like I want to finally kick myself in the ass and start making some changes in my life. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m full of motivation today, but tomorrow I’ll wake up in the same body with the same brain. The euphoria that I’m feeling right now, is just a temporary feeling. I can already see myself waking up tomorrow morning and …. Oh wait … Hell no! In 30 minutes, this boosting feeling I have right now, is going to disappear as if it had never been there. Just like that- POOOF!

I’m writing this post while sitting in the library, and I don’t even display my emotions. It’s like everything was existing within my own mind. The exterior world is just an illusion. I’ve been trained for so long not to display my emotions: growing up I had learnt to hide my reactions to things because I didn’t want others to see my emotions; whenever I was excited or happy about something, you could hear it in my voice. I had a hard time speaking normally, my pitch would go so high that I had to stop, take a deep breath, and continue talking. At first, I was hiding it because people were looking at me as if I was a weirdo, but then, when I had seen movies in which the main character was so “mysterious,” and having a poker face; I wanted to do the same. I thought that I would be such a cool guy. It was a huge incentive for me to reinforce my dysfunctional behavior. I wish that I could display my emotions easily. Not because I want to have some attention from people in the library right now, but because I want to be able to show the world how I feel and what is it to be me! I want people to be drawn to me because they are curious to see the world through my eyes. This is actually how social interaction work. The more you’re open with your thoughts and feelings, the more people can get a glimpse to your person, the more they would want to experience it, and let you experience the same thing with them.


I have a dream that one day…

relationship goals

Sometimes I dream about waking up the morning with a new text message on my phone saying, “Hey honey, I woke up in the middle of the night and started thinking of you, of us. I love you.” I’d get excited to read it because of how sweet and sexy it’d be. Better yet, I dream about opening my eyes as the sun is rising after a night of crazy sex and tight sleep and see you laying there, next to me still asleep. That’s so romantic. I’d kiss your juicy lips to wake you up as if you were the sleeping beauty. I’d enjoy seeing your face going from inanimate to animate and smiley after I kissed you. It would be like an object coming to life after throwing a spell on it. But by no means would I want to wake up and see you glaring at me as some sort of psycho because then I’d be so scared. It reminds me of the lion king when Pumba looks at Simba sleeping and then Simba open his eyes and get scared. I don’t want to see you like this:


You’d then open your eyes, smile at me and tell me, “good morning, babe,” before going out of bed to make an awesome breakfast like pancakes with a melting butter cube on top of it and a cup of chocolate milk for both of us. I dig that sweet taste in the morning- it pumps me up for the whole day. That’s sounds so rad. I would definitely see it on an ad. I’d look at your sexy back as well as at your tight ass and long legs while you’d walk out of the bedroom, and I’d bite my lower lip as if I’m telling myself, “She’s smoking hot!” Man! Thinking of that makes me feel so relaxed and happy for living my dream life. I’d get out of bed a few minutes later while the smell of hot pancakes fill up the house, and I’d let my nose guide me just like a blind guy guided by a dog. I’d join you in the kitchen to hold you close to me from behind with my arms around your waist while smelling the flowery perfume of your hair: “mmmmm, it smells so good,” I would say, and you’d smile and tell me “AWWW that’s so sweet of you!” with your feminine voice that turns me on every time I hear it. “Damn it! I finally found the perfect girl for me,” I’d tell you. I’d stay a couple more minutes in this position in which I hold you from behind because I’ve grew up seeing this on TV and thought, “that’s what I want to do with my woman in the future.”

I’d keep telling myself how lucky I am to have you in my life and that things would have to go wrong because “you’re out my league and I don’t deserve you.” In reality, it’d just be my faggy mindset that’d keep bugging me like a mosquito in my back yard during a summer night. But, with time, I’d learn to catch and eradicate this mosquito because if not, it’d just prevent me from focusing on how beautiful and stimulating you are.

We’d then sit there for breakfast silently gazing at each other eyes while feeding one another. It wouldn’t be this awkward silence that shy people have on dates in restaurants, but rather a silence that would eternalize the present moment as if it’s only YOU and ME.






If only you weren’t a girl in my dreams, but the actual girl of my dreams…

Selective Memory

selective memory

Kto nemá v hlave, má v pätách- Who doesn’t have (it) in his head, feels it with feet.

I hate being somewhere specifically to buy/do/pick up something then I go back home and realize I forgot it. It can be a few minutes later, the same day, or a couple days later. The end result is always the same- frustration! That’s a fucking burden when I think I’m done with a task/chore, and then I have to re-do it. It reminds me of school.

Usually it happens to me when I have a few things on my mind. For example, I was in decathlon the other day, wanted to change the new shoes I bought, and at the same time I wanted to buy something else. Since it was a whole mission to change the shoes (paperwork, call other shops to check if they have it in stock etc.) I completely forgot about the other thing. Now I’m sitting here, thinking that I should probably go back there. Luckily I have to go there in a few days to pick up the new shoes, but when I have no business there, that’s when I’m being frustrated.

I went grocery shopping in the same shop three times yesterday. The first time I went, I lost my shopping list and I was pissed because I didn’t memorize it so I didn’t really remembered what I needed. Then, headed back home to find out I forgot half of the thing, so I did a new shopping list, and went there with a friend. I was distracted so when I looked at the list, I skipped half of the stuff. Got back home and then was frustrated when I realized I had to go there again.

Not only it’s fucking cold outside and warm indoor (as soon as I get home, I take off the layers, and then going out again is a whole preparation), but also, it’s a fucking waste of time. I could save a whole hour buying everything I need at once instead of going back and forth and buying stuff I forgot. And imagine the feeling when I have to go back for a damn carrot that i really need for tonight’s dinner!

Talking about wasting time, it drives me crazy when I go out of the house, come back because I forgot my money, then go out and come back to pick up my ID, then go out and come back again because I forgot to throw the trash, etc. Now look, it doesn’t happen to me often. it’s not like I have Alzheimer or I’m a lost case, but since I’m thinking of myself as someone with a good memory, those little mistakes are making me angry. How can I forget such simple yet important stuff. Why the hell do I remember this person I met for two minutes, five years ago, which I don’t give a flying fuck about, but I forget to take the trash out when it’s literally waiting for me on my doorstep?!

I’m so competitive

i'm competitive
I’m about to have an exam now, and all I can think of is, “I’ve got to get the best grade. I’ve got to show my classmates how clever I am and how dumb they are compared to me.” Same thing happens when I dance; I’ve been dancing for the past 2 years and a half. When I dance with a girl, instead of enjoying the present moment with her, instead of being focused on her, I focus on everyone else. I try to see if there are no hotter girls around, if other guys are dancing better than I am, whether other girls enjoy dancing with other dudes, whether some people are staring at us, etc. I can’t stop comparing myself to others and then do my best to show off so that other people will notice me.
One girl wanted to me to be her dancing partner and asked me what to expect. I told her that we’re not going to do competitions because I’m against it, although I secretly want to compete. I want to be famous. I want to get the free ad, travel the world, and teach thousands of people. I do that because I want to get validation. I want people to worship me. I want them to look up to me and ask for my opinion on various subjects.
I’ve been lacking approval my whole life. My dad had never told me “I’m proud of you, son.” I’ve never had friends I’d influence. On the contrary, I was the one being influenced: I would buy the same clothes as my “friends”, I’d speak/walk the same way as them, make the same jokes etc. It always made me feel dumb deep inside. Although, I loved getting the attention from people because of it, I knew it was all fake, and one day or another, I’d be caught pretending and lying. I’m not even confronting people because I’m scared to have someone hating me. I feel like I’m not enough loved so having one less potential supporting person is like tell off someone who’s bringing me a pile of money on a golden platter.
Competitive attitude is bullshit. Every time I had it, which is 99.99% of the time, it would make everything go wrong: in relationships with people- I’d be concurring for the coolest friend position; in school, I’d be seen as the pretentious asshole; etc. My competitive mindset is just driving people away because instead of building relationships with them, i’m just focused on myself and as a consequence, I end up building a relationship with me myself and I while burning bridges with others.
I like pretending I’m my ideal self. I want to believe that I’m not competitive; I want to believe that I’m socially competent; I want to believe in so many things that makes me perfect in the eyes of other people. This is why you can hear me say thing like, “I hate competitions,” “I always confront people when they irritate me,” “I always keep bitches in check,” but I’m nothing close to those standards I set to myself. However, when someone confronts me and tell me I’m competitive, I would get mad and try to convince him I’m not. When we will talk about girls, I’ll always be the one giving advice. It makes me feel valuable. But then when I’m in a situation in which I need to prove my worth, well… I’m just another neurotic fuck!

Unconditional love is horseshit

unconditional love

Just about two weeks ago, I was laying down in bed with a sweet and sexy girl. I’ll call her Terry. We were just having a conversation at that time. Terry is the kind of girls I like talking to: every conversation makes my brain’s cogs working, and sometimes i still think about a certain conversation for a few days- just like a good psychological movie. We were talking about unconditional love, misery, etc. and it made so much sense that I had to write it down. See, those ideas were basically a friend’s who I was talking to, but at that time they didn’t make much sense that I could live by it. It was an interesting idea, inspiring at best, but nothing that changed my beliefs. Then I told that to Terry, and I got mind blown by how much it resonated with me and how I internalized it.

Ready?!… let’s go.

Unconditional love is the foolish believe that I’ll love someone no matter what he/she does- altruism. It doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion; a notion created to make people feel good about themselves. It helps them explain something they can’t. Here’s the thing about relationships (friendship, romance, family etc.), it isn’t created out of the blue. It’s a sequence of actions that will end up in a connection you got with a person. “Social interaction is an interruption” this is what my friend used to tell me. And social interactions are meant to end up in relationships.  A person wants to go to X direction, and you interrupt him and tell him which way you want him to go that’ll privilege the relationship. If someone does things I like, things that serve the relationship, I’ll end up loving that person. Picture this, you’re walking down the street, and someone is punching you in the face, would you love him/her? What if it was the most attractive person in the world? Same thing- you’ll hate the person’s guts. The more pleasure I get from a person the more I love that person. I don’t magically fall in love. I do because the person in front of me is worth it. And how do I know he’s worth it? If he/she gives me the incentive to care about him/her. A pleasant experience, based on what I expect from the person (else, it wouldn’t be pleasant), will automatically end up in caring for and loving that person.

Terry asked me, “then why do people still stick around when their lovers cheated on them?” it’s simple. People are in love with the idea of their lovers. What their lovers can be, or what they want them to be. They’re not in love with the person itself, but rather with what they think they can get out of them that they can’t get from other people. They are merciful. For us to love someone even after he did something horrible, we have to have mercy. Mercy is patience towards fuck ups. This is what will make you accept a person despite something he did in the past. Let’s say there’s a serial killer, he gets out of jail, I’ll have to be merciful to want and talk to that guy or even get in the same room. I’d be scared. But if I stick around, and then show him the direction I want him to go, I’ll end up caring for that person. But when you keep being merciful and don’t give the direction, you’ll end up being miserable.

However, love starts with mercy by default, because not everyone will do what I want them to do right away. It takes time and patience to “forgive” the fuck ups. For example, if I’m talking to a girl and she’s acting a bit retarded and doesn’t give me a full sentence but rather half a sentence at a time, I’ll have to show “mercy” (i.e. be patient) to that and actually give her the better direction. Therefore, mercy is the first step to get to a loving state. Love is conditional!