The fact that I haven’t written any post in a week makes me confused. I don’t even know what specific topic I want to talk about: the fact that I’m becoming more and more neurotic in my college city, the fact that I do have enough balls to tell everyone that feminism sucks, the fact that I am sick of having sex with the same girls because I’m too much of a coward to talk to new girls, etc.
Man, I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now trying to prove themselves worthy of being written in this post, that it gives me a headache. It’s like all of them are in class full of Hermione Grangers, the teacher (me), asks a question, and they are all fighting to give the right answer. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not posting regularly. Therefore, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone by writing a decent entry because I want you to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been improving a lot.
I’m tired of being so neurotic. I’m always trying to fix my body language, as if there was no right way to do it. When I’m walking around college, around the street; when I’m standing there talking to someone from my class; when I eat in front of others, etc. It’s driving me nuts because the more I’m trying to be aware of it, the more I “think” that something is wrong with it. It makes me feel like a little lost puppy desperately wandering around the desert looking for a shelter from the sand storm.
I’m also really anxious about saying HEY to people that I had met a few weeks ago because I never know whether they are going to recognize me or not. I’m afraid of people’s reactions, and therefore, I do nothing. I just think that sitting there with my arms crossed will help me to get better at social interaction. It’s stupid and I’m aware of it, but it seems like I can’t get over it. It’s as if I was a fatty trying to get rid of her eating habits: just one more cookie, just a little gummy bear, just a little ice cream, etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s retarded, but it looks like I’m determined to hinder my improvement.
“You can’t practice social interaction in your mind”- Plum. I can’t, but it feels better when I do it than going through the painful process. Thinking of what I can do in a given situation is like a safety blanket: I don’t have to go through torturing reactions. The only thing I need to do is just sit back and relax while picturing it in my mind. Then I have some proof that it works so that I can comfort my delusions that I’m on the right path. For example, There was a study with basketball players: two groups. One which didn’t practice at all and one which didn’t physically practice, but practices in their minds. The latter had a better score when they played.
The ironic thing is that whenever I talk about my neurosis, I feel like I want to finally kick myself in the ass and start making some changes in my life. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m full of motivation today, but tomorrow I’ll wake up in the same body with the same brain. The euphoria that I’m feeling right now, is just a temporary feeling. I can already see myself waking up tomorrow morning and …. Oh wait … Hell no! In 30 minutes, this boosting feeling I have right now, is going to disappear as if it had never been there. Just like that- POOOF!
I’m writing this post while sitting in the library, and I don’t even display my emotions. It’s like everything was existing within my own mind. The exterior world is just an illusion. I’ve been trained for so long not to display my emotions: growing up I had learnt to hide my reactions to things because I didn’t want others to see my emotions; whenever I was excited or happy about something, you could hear it in my voice. I had a hard time speaking normally, my pitch would go so high that I had to stop, take a deep breath, and continue talking. At first, I was hiding it because people were looking at me as if I was a weirdo, but then, when I had seen movies in which the main character was so “mysterious,” and having a poker face; I wanted to do the same. I thought that I would be such a cool guy. It was a huge incentive for me to reinforce my dysfunctional behavior. I wish that I could display my emotions easily. Not because I want to have some attention from people in the library right now, but because I want to be able to show the world how I feel and what is it to be me! I want people to be drawn to me because they are curious to see the world through my eyes. This is actually how social interaction work. The more you’re open with your thoughts and feelings, the more people can get a glimpse to your person, the more they would want to experience it, and let you experience the same thing with them.