Stress

 

Last Sunday and Monday was pretty stressful to me. I had an issue with my professor and it was crucial to my studies. I had to hand in a report, but I “cheated.” It was a little lie, but since my professor’s a bitch I thought she’s going to blew it out of proportion and make a whole story out of it. The little lie was that she told us to do a diagnostic on three aspects for the same person, and I used two people.

Long story short, I was stressed. I couldn’t sleep at night. I usually have a shitty sleep, but those nights I was in bed for 4 hours and I was basically awake almost the whole night. My heart was beating fast as if I did some cardio for an hour, I was sweating, I was heaving some shitty thoughts about all the worst case scenarios. It made me think about why do I need this fucking stress?! What is it good for?!

I watched “Lucky number slevin” the other day. The main character gets mistaken for someone else by two mobs. They tell him he owes them money and if he doesn’t pay back in 3 days, he will get killed. A girl asked him why he isn’t stressed or scared and he said “I have ataraxia.” It’s a state of calmness and he basically never feels those kinds of shitty emotions like fear or stress. I was so jealous of this guy. I was telling myself how my life would have looked so differently with ataraxia. I wouldn’t have to worry about exams, on the contrary, it would have been so much easier to study for them calmly; wouldn’t be stressed to perform in front of a big audience (dancing, talking, giving class, etc.); Wouldn’t be scared to confront people when they piss me off; I would be able to accomplish so many things more efficiently.

So back to my stress, I was feeling pretty helpless that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was sitting there trying to talk myself out of it. Rationalize with some pretty smart thoughts, but nothing helped. For example I was telling myself “look, the worst case scenario is that she’ll give you a shitty grade. It sucks but it’s better than being kicked out of school, which can happen if she decides to fuck me over” (I was comparing myself to my classmate that lied about everything and was in a shittier place than I was, but got a C). And then, as if I didn’t tell myself anything, I would still feel the same way. Not even breathing techniques helped. The only thing that helped me was the fact that I faced the issue and went to meet the teacher. As soon as I started talking to her, I was feeling differently: I was ready for war- prove myself to be the good guy who had slipped just once after being a straight A student during the whole year.

It made me think of all those suggestions motivational speakers give: breathing, smiling, watching a comedy, this is bullshit! Nothing helped me. Besides taking the bull by the horn and dealing with it, whatever I did was just useless and a waste of time. However, in the meanwhile, the whole time waiting for dealing with the problem (e.g. waiting for the meeting that will determine whether I’m fucked or not is painful because during that time, there was nothing I could do), I just had to sit around and accept it. I don’t know how to deal with it and how to get over it. It’s still a mystery to me, but at least I got to know that all those “feel good” messages youtube and facebook are flooded with are just a pile of shit. Nothing would ever make you feel good besides growing a pair, facing your problem and finding the solution.

One week break = A headache

The fact that I haven’t written any post in a week makes me confused. I don’t even know what specific topic I want to talk about: the fact that I’m becoming more and more neurotic in my college city, the fact that I do have enough balls to tell everyone that feminism sucks, the fact that I am sick of having sex with the same girls because I’m too much of a coward to talk to new girls, etc.

Man, I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now trying to prove themselves worthy of being written in this post, that it gives me a headache. It’s like all of them are in class full of Hermione Grangers, the teacher (me), asks a question, and they are all fighting to give the right answer. It’s probably due to the fact that I’m not posting regularly. Therefore, I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone by writing a decent entry because I want you to acknowledge the fact that I’ve been improving a lot.

I’m tired of being so neurotic. I’m always trying to fix my body language, as if there was no right way to do it. When I’m walking around college, around the street; when I’m standing there talking to someone from my class; when I eat in front of others, etc.  It’s driving me nuts because the more I’m trying to be aware of it, the more I “think” that something is wrong with it. It makes me feel like a little lost puppy desperately wandering around the desert looking for a shelter from the sand storm.

I’m also really anxious about saying HEY to people that I had met a few weeks ago because I never know whether they are going to recognize me or not. I’m afraid of people’s reactions, and therefore, I do nothing. I just think that sitting there with my arms crossed will help me to get better at social interaction. It’s stupid and I’m aware of it, but it seems like I can’t get over it. It’s as if I was a fatty trying to get rid of her eating habits: just one more cookie, just a little gummy bear, just a little ice cream, etc. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s retarded, but it looks like I’m determined to hinder my improvement.

“You can’t practice social interaction in your mind”- Plum. I can’t, but it feels better when I do it than going through the painful process. Thinking of what I can do in a given situation is like a safety blanket: I don’t have to go through torturing reactions. The only thing I need to do is just sit back and relax while picturing it in my mind. Then I have some proof that it works so that I can comfort my delusions that I’m on the right path. For example, There was a study with basketball players: two groups. One which didn’t practice at all and one which didn’t physically practice, but practices in their minds. The latter had a better score when they played.

The ironic thing is that whenever I talk about my neurosis, I feel like I want to finally kick myself in the ass and start making some changes in my life. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m full of motivation today, but tomorrow I’ll wake up in the same body with the same brain. The euphoria that I’m feeling right now, is just a temporary feeling. I can already see myself waking up tomorrow morning and …. Oh wait … Hell no! In 30 minutes, this boosting feeling I have right now, is going to disappear as if it had never been there. Just like that- POOOF!

I’m writing this post while sitting in the library, and I don’t even display my emotions. It’s like everything was existing within my own mind. The exterior world is just an illusion. I’ve been trained for so long not to display my emotions: growing up I had learnt to hide my reactions to things because I didn’t want others to see my emotions; whenever I was excited or happy about something, you could hear it in my voice. I had a hard time speaking normally, my pitch would go so high that I had to stop, take a deep breath, and continue talking. At first, I was hiding it because people were looking at me as if I was a weirdo, but then, when I had seen movies in which the main character was so “mysterious,” and having a poker face; I wanted to do the same. I thought that I would be such a cool guy. It was a huge incentive for me to reinforce my dysfunctional behavior. I wish that I could display my emotions easily. Not because I want to have some attention from people in the library right now, but because I want to be able to show the world how I feel and what is it to be me! I want people to be drawn to me because they are curious to see the world through my eyes. This is actually how social interaction work. The more you’re open with your thoughts and feelings, the more people can get a glimpse to your person, the more they would want to experience it, and let you experience the same thing with them.